Okay, we’re up a mountain and there are records everywhere. People are pulling records out of the sleeves, little kids are getting their sticky fingers on them, many were scratched and skipping. It was clear something had to be done. Iggy had a word with David and asked him to sort it all out.
And David Bowie spoke these words:
I have released much of my Golden Years of music on the best format. That which brought you out of the Swing Boom of the 1950s, out of the slavery of singing other people’s songs and into the Land of 1000 Dances with the cheap vinyl seven inch singles of Rock and Roll, Tamla Motown, Beatlemania, Glam Rock and so on. I also brought out Tin Machine on 12 inch Vinyl which we don’t tend to talketh about so much but it is my most affordable album on the preowned market these days so maybe it’s time for a reappraisal…
Okay, moving on, going forward etc… Here are the rules.
1. You shall have no other format above Vinyl.
2. You shall not make Vinyl in the image of another. Basically avoideth rare records at a cheap price –they could be counterfeiteths. I’m thinking about the copies of Neil Young’s Harvest Moon that have been kicking about Edinburgh at 15 shekels for some time. Don’t worry it was officially resurrected the other year like pretty much my entireth back catalogue other than Tin Machine (see above).
3. You shall not take the name of ‘Vinyl’ in vain. Ahem, they are collectively called ‘Records’ or ‘Vinyl’ but a single record should never be called ‘a Vinyl’ and many records are never ever ‘Vinyls’. Otherwise you will feeleth the tut-tut-slow-head-shaking wrath of the old farteth record collectors. See Vinyl vs Vinyls blog post.
4. Remember the Sabbath day… After working a week of hard toil, you are allowed a special record based listening treat with Ozzy and Co. On this day you will not work. You will force everyone; sons, daughters, servants and animals to listen to your swirly vertigo 1st press of Paranoid. They will thank you for it later. Why they recorded a song called Changes in 1972 for their 4th album the same year I released my version remains a mystery. How someone hasn’t already thought to mash them up on YouTube is perhaps a bigger mystery. Perhaps my record company taketh away unofficial recordings?
5. Honour your father and mother’s record collections. Though the box may be worth more than the records, your embarrassing parents may have been into some weird stuff in the 1960s that they have never before told you about and you could well be inheriting some gems. Forgiveth them the Dancing in the Street duet with Mick Jagger that is most definitely in there, for they kneweth not what they were doing in the 1980s.
6. You shall not kill (even if into Black Metal). Seriously dude, seek help! But thou canst still probably eat meat despite what Morrissey sayeth with the title of the final The Smiths album. I never did get over Steven’s sniping at me after pulling out of my Outside tour in 1995 but after recent stories I suppose it could have been worse. All the same, please look for British pork and the Free Rangeth chicken which just seems sensible.
7. You shall not commit adultery with Amazon and other onlineth retailers despite them sometimes being cheaper than your local Record Temple. Keep an eye for an aniscoric eye out for special editions which are often offered to independent Temples that are not available in the behemoth’s massive warehouse.
8. You shall not steal. Yeah man! Well ideas are up for grabs obviously, I’m a chameleon and that. But erm you know don’t be stealing records from anyone. There’s a guy that comes in on Sundays with a big puffy jacket on in the summer and I’m sure he has been nicking stuff. Spotify and streaming? ***Shrugs*** “Music itself is going to become like running water or electricity,” I told the New York Times in 2003. Well, please try to payeth for music you like in some way.
9. You shall not bear false witness about Record Store Day in the Edinburgh Evening News. It has many well documented flaws but on balance it is better to have it and the inevitable 4 different NEW officially sanctioned editions of my records. Contradictory, repetitive doom-mongering is doing no favours to the Record Temples that are still open and getting by.
10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s record room nor his amplifier, turntable and fancy speakers. Nor his radio show/podcast and blog. Your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor his diamond dogs, nor anything that is your neighbour’s. (Eh? -Ed) Basically don’t be coveting things and don’t try to wham bam thank you ma’am any of the neighbours or their things.
When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the speakers rumble and saw the amplifier in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance and said to David Bowie, “Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have Iggy speak to us or we will die.”
Bowie said to the people, “Do not be afraid. Iggy has come to test you by releasing a mix of great and terrible albums…”
Continues with even more commandments and don’t get Iggy/Ziggy started on their preferred record cleaning fluid.
After this piece of procrastination, some may be pleased to know that the full VoxBox RSD list will be typed and published tomorrow evening.